Time for Regulation of a Monopoly and Stimulating an Economy!

“This economic downturn has everyone worried, and rightfully so. No one knows, on the main streets far away from the big cities, if they’ll have any visitors with charitable donations or if their hotels, for instance, will receive any patronage… by anyone. Sadly, many simply take their money and go somewhere else.

For far too long, many “high-rollers” have simply passed these streets by and have only supported those as rich or richer than themselves – this ends now.

The federal government, who only exists to serve the greater good, has identified the culprit of all of our economic woes:

Monopoly!

For far too long, people have just “rolled” their way past the Baltic Avenues, and sometimes, the entirety of the south part of the Monopoly world. Using their incredible wit, they also pass by the “Income Tax” with their clever little schemes or only opt to give us a mere $200 dollars of their vast stores of wealth.

Every American passes “Go”, but, unfortunately, not everyone can collect $200. Some are hauled off to jail simply by taking a chance on the market of real estate. Others simply manage to evade these areas altogether.

What exacerbates this problem is that Broadway, and even recently Park Place, has been asking residents of the Baltic Avenues of the world to continue paying for their high-rolling lifestyle and yet they never give back to these communities – instead, they keep taking from the chest of the community, insist on monetizing free parking, and always seem to get out of jail free and clear while those who take a chance and give to the community chest are stuck in jail, unable to receive anything resembling a shred of luck, or footed with the bill, whether it is maintaining or constantly repairing their buildings or even streets from years of wear, but little tear due to being passed over. Why is it that Broadway always seems to bypass these aspects of the community? Why is it that Broadway can’t pay its fair share of investment in the community of which it is a part of? Today, we, the government, are here to solve that very problem.

We are hereby introducing the “Share Prosperity and End Numerous Discrepancies in Income Now for the Greater Good Act“. We call this the S.P.E.N.D.I.N.G. Act (or the SPENDING Act) which will now be called “the act” because we’re longwinded enough already.

The act will ensure patronage by the “high-rollers” by giving them fuel-efficient convoys during their drive throughout the southern neighborhoods as demonstrated below:

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This new vehicle is called the Roll Royce. Not only will this revolutionary vehicle ensure energy independence (by going to one area at a time), but it  will create new manufacturing jobs.

By going to one place at a time, this will enable the high-rollers of Park Place and Broadway to absorb the rich heritage of Baltic Avenue and beyond. The high-rollers will be encouraged to stay with a family, rent a house, or stay within a hotel via numerous incentives. This, in turn, will create additional investment opportunities and thus, far more potential for new jobs to accomodate the increased demand of services. Finally, taxes will once again be fairly and progressively distributed.

Now, with more money and capital at the disposal of the southern areas, investment will then follow what we like to call the “Square Effect” which will start with Baltic Avenue and wind up at Broadway itself which will then collect money and go once more! As you can see, it never ends!

Given just a bit of time, we’ll have equality in income and ensure the security of our nation, the robustness of the foundation and principles of our economy, and the security of our national security.

Of course, our current economic advisor, the Centrallized Central Center of Commerce, otherwise known as C4, Bank Chairman, has advised us this could cost 1 gajillionbillion dollars or even as much as googolplexgajillionmillion dollars. Also, many within the Committee of Running A Press, a subsidiary of the C4 also known as C.R.A.P., are concerned about printing this much money as the printing press has never been left on, constantly, for so long before. On the other hand, an entirely new building (or several buildings, actually) will have to be built to secure this amount of money, and a new organization, called the National Organization of Regulatory Oversight on Overseeing Money, or N.O. R.O.O.M., will be created and thus create some jobs and has been praised as a dynamic investment by the C4. As for the printing press, it’s a valid concern, but the C4 chairman, focusing only on a sensible outlook of repayment and investment, estimates, however, that if we simply pay $1 per minute ($60 per hour, $1,440 per day, $43,200 per month, or $518,400 per year), utilizing what the chairman calls “generational distribution”, we might have this debt paid off before Earth is swallowed by the Sun as it becomes a red giant – it’ll certainly ease taxpayer’s minds to know that they are debt free before Earth is incinerated, yes?

As you can see, with just a bit of spending and stimulus, everything just comes out nice and even and prosperity is restored.”

Hope you had a bit of a laugh or at least a chuckle; have a great weekend.

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